Almost Time

Time has a habit of slippping away quietly, not much left now....

These days I am sure I will look back fondly on and laugh about the obstacles and 'stuffs ups' we have had to endure to get to our overseas adventure.

We have rehomed Reuben now and despite this bringing a huge comfort it is also more sad than I could ever have imagined. Like I have given up a child, a feeling I am sure only a pet owner could imagine because even as I write the words, it sounds illogical. I never want to feel this again. I hope the tears stop flowing soon.

I'm listening to quiet sounds now...or maybe not so quiet but rather the sounds of a sleeping house. It sounds peacful but the rumble in my belly and the emotional dam that has burst feels far from restful.

Most of our things are packed, our wordly possessions stored in a room... a few things scattered. Piles and piles given away and some sold, just essentials kept. No doubt I will wonder where something is only to remember that it is not mine anymore. Also a strange feeling. Our possessions collected over the years, given to us as gifts, memories attached just gone, final, absolute. The most devastating, the toys and possessions of my children, even those that are not needed but never again can I look through them, hold them in my hands to evoke a memory, remember a time when they were so small. It is an unsettling feeling knowing that all of my things are being eyed by others, things I have chosen to keep, not disgard just yet, packed in a space, not my space. Memories I have packaged together, not together anymore. Deciding for the kids what they might like to have as they grow older but possibly disgarding their most treasured possession. Unbearable at the moment, I wish sleep did not ellude me...unthinking is so much better.

We still have the impossible ahead of us, no doubt this anxiety/fear steming from all the stuff we intend to get on a plane in the following day. Looking at all the clothes, books, shoes, accessories, toiletries, ectera is too overwhelming at the moment but time is slipping and the avoided can no longer be avoided.

Spaces still not cleared, a strange comfort, total emptiness possibly more difficult. What to do first?? A magic fairy that knows exactly what I am feeling and knows exactly what I want and need would be helpful.

I could never have imagined the emotions that would overcome me today, a month ago. I didn't think that this journey would be so wrought with sad, as a chapter in our lives closes, I had only anticipated the next chapter. The excitement my kids are telling me about eludes me at the moment, I am too busy grieving for what is already gone.

We are leaving, the chapter has almost closed, time is rushing us by...